Tomorrow, we move to the desert.

You can find your little joy of the day in the darnedest places.

Until recently, I always believed indecision served me well. In not asserting my opinion or wishes, I oftentimes(always) left decisions up to those around me. I thought this made me appear easy-going, flexible, low-maintenance. Not offering my opinion would limit conflicts and the inevitable disappointment that comes with two or more differing opinions/ideas about how things should go. Everyone wins. Right?

I can’t stand letting people down. I try to deliver everything that is asked of me, and then some. Saying ‘no’ causes such guilt inside that sometimes I’d rather not exist than deal with the imagined consequences of saying no and asserting myself. I’m not sure exactly when this started for me, but I know for certain it has to stop now. I can’t keep going along with everything because I don’t like everything. I don’t want to continue agreeing to the things I do in order to keep people around me happy, especially since they would probably be much happier and better off if I was being honest with them about who I am and what I want. Not being honest with people about what I want unintentionally creates a guessing game of the worst kind that leaves me and those closest to me with buckets of resentment.

I’ve found myself recently feeling frustrated and angry with almost everyone around me because, well, they can’t read my mind. That’s not very fair. It’s not fair to assume that people in my everyday life should try to guess what I want because nobody really knows me well enough (because I made it that way) to even try. It’s a tough issue because now when I try to assert myself, I imagine it won’t be received well. Its a doubly tricky issue because I have severe anxiety that makes speaking up almost completely impossible for me, which is probably why I try to appease everyone in the first place– so they will stop focusing on me and let me fade back into obscurity, which is where I like to be the most.

I’m going to be making a conscious effort to truly process all requests made of me going forward, and to make honest decisions that will be best for me regardless of how it’s received by others. I expect that those who love me will be happy to see me finally valuing myself and my relationships enough to be honest and be my own advocate.